While You Were Sleeping
by stole-my-pen
Summary: Hikaru's hand tightened in his – Kaoru's not quite sure how it got there because he thought his arms were around Hikaru, and Hikaru's around him. He pressed his nose further into his brother's hair.
1. Chapter 1

After she stepped out of the hospital room, she stared back into the room at the sleeping twin, at the pair of her fellow host club members clustered around the bed. The most frightening thing about the whole situation wasn't that he was lying there. It wasn't that his brother was lying upstairs in a coma the doctors weren't sure he'd wake from, or that the boy in front of her didn't know he was there. It was that she couldn't tell them apart, and that she wouldn't be able to tell them apart until one of them woke up.

She was supposed to _know_. And for that reason, and that reason alone, she'd kept her distance, flitting back and forth from one room to the other until she couldn't count how many times she'd visited each of them. One of them had woken briefly, uttered a low groan that was likely his brother's name, before he slipped under again.

Upstairs, the other was yet to respond to any attempts made to wake him. She'd been there through the worst of it – through the seizures, through the horrifying moments when his heart faltered, stopped, and was forcibly kicked back into life. She'd held his limp, cold hands and stroked his hair and reassured him that everything would be fine, not knowing whether he could understand her, not knowing whether he could hear her. She wanted to call his name and pull him back. But she was so uncertain, she couldn't get either of their names out of her mouth.

She'd stayed with Yuzuha when she'd finally come off the plane, feeling a bond of fellowship with the woman more than anything else. Her boys were Haruhi's boys. The Hitachiin matriarch had been exhausted, haggard under layers of makeup, but composed herself as she met almost immediately with two different sets of doctors for "Hitachiin Hikaru/Kaoru" and agonised over which son to see first.

It hurt the rest of the host club badly enough – Haruhi knew it by the way they were taking it in turns watching over one twin, then the other. They were the second-youngest of their little clan, after all, and the Host Club was nothing if not fiercely protective of its members. But Yuzuha was their mother, her boys were almost carbon copies of her. Her pain was deeper than Haruhi could ever understand.

They didn't know what exactly had happened, which was the main problem. They could only try to fit together a sequence of events. The Host Club had jetted off to a resort in Okinawa, dragging Haruhi along in the wake of their ridiculous whims – and had been working hard (if it could be called that) entertaining their clients. The twins had been given the day off by Kyouya to spend doing anything they wanted.

The memory of them tilting their heads to one side, and deadpanning, "even each other?" couldn't make her smile. Not even when she remembered the face Kyouya had pulled, and the way they clients had giggled.

They'd settled on heading off to windsurf. An island a little way out caught the wind better than on their beach and they'd gone off together mid-morning with the assurance they'd call for a boat back if the weather turned bad. Storm clouds had drawn in by mid-afternoon and even though it grew suddenly, unexpectedly cooler, there was still no call back. They ought to have got in touch, even if it was to say they'd found shelter and would try wait out the impending storm on the island.

Making desperate phone calls, the Host Club had retreated inside. Huge drops of rain started to fall and even when thunder started to rumble threateningly overhead, Haruhi pressed herself to the windows.

Outside, the sea was heaving.

They weren't inside for long. A few orders from Kyouya and the remaining members split into helicopters to join the search: two separate routes put Tamaki and Haruhi's helicopter a distance from Kyouya's.

By the time their helicopter got to them, one twin was being pulled up. The other had slipped under the water. She could remember how frightened she'd been, how she'd ventured to the open edge against Tamaki's hands trying to pull her back, how she couldn't understand why no one was down there to _save_ him – before her attention had been caught by the second chopper, the technician only halfway back up himself, the other limp and dripping twin in his arms.

Kaoru, she'd thought with some relief. Of course, Hikaru would make sure Kaoru went first…

But that meant…

She could hardly feel Tamaki still holding onto her and she watched as their medic winched himself down. It was taking so long, too long. Why was he taking so long?

His lips and fingertips were almost blue with cold when they got him back up and it took more time still before he lurched and coughed up mouthful after mouthful of water, body convulsing with the sheer force of it. Trying not to make an obstacle of herself, she had slipped to his side on her knees across the floor of the craft. She'd thought she'd known who he was, but she was suddenly unsure.

She touched her hand to his cheek – he was freezing cold. She was shivering. He wasn't, he was past that; only managed to watch her for a few moments before his eyes slid shut again, Tamaki abruptly pulled her away once more as the medic started shouting something –

Haruhi still couldn't be sure which of them she'd been with, only that he'd slipped into a coma soon after they'd got to the hospital. He was stable for now, the doctors said, but that only meant that nothing had changed, nor was anything likely to. His heart was still beating, he was still breathing. The other of the two of them had got off lightly in comparison with a gash to the side of his head and concussion meant he'd likely lost consciousness and only been kept above water by the efforts of his brother.

* * *

His nightmares consisted of his brother's frantic breathing and the persistent motion he associated with being in water.

Occasionally he would feel the beat of his brother's kicks as he lost the coordination of his tread and fought to regain it again, would open his eyes and see the grit of his teeth in concentration as he tried to shiver and breathe and swim all at the same time, all the while keeping his arms tight around him.

When the dream faded back his brother's breathing was replaced by his own and suddenly he was struggling to keep himself up, struggling to break out…

"Kaoru?" It took him a few moments to identify where the voice was coming from, a little longer to understand whose it was, and even more time to force his eyes open, bring the speaker into focus. "Kaoru?"

"No…" He swallowed, trying to bring his voice back too. He was regaining clarity with each successive step, just had to keep trying. "Not Kaoru."

"Hikaru? How are you feeling? What happened?" He groaned, turning away from the ecstatic blond and trying to find someone quieter. If his whole body wasn't aching as it already was, he'd have tried to sit up.

"Where's…"

"You're in hospital. Kaoru is upstairs." Kyouya surreptitiously crossed out one of the names on the chart, his lips pressed into a thin line. "Your mother was here a while ago, but she went back to the hotel to get in touch with your father, and get some sleep."

"Is he all right? How long have we…"

"He's okay." Kyouya could have used so many other phrases, but at this point he thought the best idea was just to skim over Kaoru's condition. "You've been here a day or so."

"…don't remember what happened," he murmured one hand rising to touch the side of his head where it hurt the most, "I think I slipped and then…" his eyes narrowed, focussing on a narrow tube leading from a bandage on his hand to… he couldn't see where it was going. Was it making him sleepy? "Kaoru can probably tell you…"

"Maybe later," Kyouya glossed carefully.

"'m going back to sleep."

"That's probably a good idea." Across the bed he caught Tamaki's eyes and silently willed the blond to say nothing.

He didn't. But he was glaring all the same.

To his credit, he managed to hold in his outburst until they were a fair distance from Hikaru's room, and Honey and Mori had come to take over their watch.

"Why did you lie to him about Kaoru?" He hissed halfway down the corridor.

"You might have noticed that he wasn't entirely with us." Kyouya replied calmly, hitting the elevator call button, "Do you really think letting him know the severity of Kaoru's condition would have been the best idea? He'd have done himself more harm than good."

…true. Tamaki slumped against the elevator wall, envious of his best friend's ability to hold his composure so well. The elevator began to ascend - they were going to let Yuzuha and Haruhi know the good news – and that they finally knew which twin was which. Then Tamaki would head back to the hotel they had moved into, once Kyouya had ousted Haruhi from Kaoru's room. He threw him a few sidelong glances. He knew it worried Kyouya too, to see their family this way, but he was always able to stay calm - he and Mori-senpai both, leaving the rest of them to do the majority of the worrying.

Right now, Hikaru was blissfully unaware of the situation upstairs, but at some point they'd have to tell him. And he'd out-worry the lot of them.

He pouted, frowning a little.

"I still don't think it was a good idea to say what you said. You were acting like everything was fine, and it's only going to be harder on him when–"

"It was better than putting him through unnecessary stress." Always with the perfect response at the perfect moment. Kyouya had been only slightly leaning against the wall with him, barely even slouching, but he straightened as the elevator pinged and slid open. "Come on."

* * *

The problem for Kaoru was that he was trapped, without even realising he was trapped. He couldn't tell whether he was awake or asleep from one moment to the next because everything spooled out in his head like some surreal dream.

There were moments when the dream became a nightmare. When Hikaru's head slipped under the water and he had to dive to find him, moments when he wasn't even sure their heads would break the water again. They were going to drown, he _knew_ they were going to drown, that he was the only one who could keep them afloat. That he had to keep trying, even if his legs were aching and cramping and seizing, even if he could barely keep a thought in his head before he lost it to his focus on just keeping going.

But it wouldn't stop. The events just kept cycling themselves through in his mind, there was never a rescue. Just swimming and swimming beyond what he believed he could endure, Hikaru's cold body clutched to him and praying, _praying,_ for help that wouldn't come.

He couldn't wake up. He didn't even know that he was asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

It felt like days passed before he woke up again, though they assured him it had only been a matter of hours. It seemed he wasn't out that long in the first place – the clock on the wall bears the date. It had only been two days and even then only just. It was the middle of the night; his mother was sitting on his left hand side and on his right was -

- not Kaoru. Just Haruhi, who looked just as exhausted as Yuzuha.

"Hey, honey…" His mother smiled tiredly, leaning toward him, "How do you feel?"

"Where is he?" He grimaced, pausing as he began to sit up, one hand rising to touch the bandage wrapped around his head. It hurt, but he felt clearer than he had done before, "Where's Kaoru?"

"He's upstairs." Yuzuha smoothed the bed covers distractedly and Haruhi's hands tightened a little around his as he tried to take stock of his surroundings and his own health. He had aches and pains here and there, but they probably weren't any big deal. He had more pressing things to contend with anyway.

"I can go and see him, right?" he started to sit up again, even as his limbs ached in protest, and the two of them put out their hands to stop him. "Honestly, I'm fine…"

The glances they exchanged across him made him nervous.

"…is he all right?"

"He's okay." He'd heard that before.

"That's what Kyouya said. It's been _ages_ since then! Why isn't he here? He's all right, isn't he?" The silence answered his question better than either of them ever could. And even Haruhi refused to meet his eyes. "What?" He asked quietly, a feeling of dread building in his stomach. "What, he's not all right? What are you not telling me?"

"He's in a coma, sweetie." Yuzuha whispered. Her hands had stilled atop the blankets, and she wouldn't look at him either.

There was a long silence as Hikaru tested the words in his head, trying to fit them with what little he could remember about the incident.

"That… that isn't right…" his voice came a little breathlessly when he finally spoke. "Kaoru didn't… he didn't hurt his head or anything, I was the one who…"

"He almost drowned," Haruhi said quietly. "He insisted they take you first - they couldn't get you both out at once, and one of the helicopters was a little way behind. He slipped under before anyone could get to him."

"You managed to tell Kyouya-kun you'd been in the water for a while." Yuzuha interjected, "That Kaoru had been trying to keep you awake." Hikaru couldn't remember the conversation but he nodded, already trying to get out of bed.

"I've got to see him," They immediately made to stop him again. "Haruhi! Mother, he... _please_…"

"Sweetie, it might not be the best idea for you to see Kaoru right now. You're still tired and it might not do you any good…"

"Why?"

"Because- !" She broke off, a look crossing her face he'd never seen before. It was almost tortured.

"Because it's hard enough on the rest of us." Haruhi finished quietly. Yuzuha visibly collected herself.

"Yes. Thank you, Haruhi."

For a while, Hikaru didn't say anything.

"You don't think I can handle it?" he asked eventually. "It's really that bad?"

"He's not breathing on his own, honey," Yuzuha had resumed her smoothing of the bedclothes again, "There are machines everywhere and it… it's not nice."

"I still want to see him. Please, Mom…" He knew Haruhi had edged back in her seat a little to avoid being caught in the battle of wills between them. "…please."

They stared at each other for a long moment.

"…I'll find a doctor," Yuzuha acquiesced softly.

* * *

Upstairs it was sterile, fluorescent-lit, and quiet. An orderly pushed the wheelchair – Hikaru had realised (once on his feet for a few brief moments) that he wasn't going to stay standing for very long. Pain medication or no, his head pounded and spun when he tried to get to his feet, and his legs felt like they were made of rubber and barely able to hold his weight.

Haruhi walked with Yuzuha. There was no sound but for their footfalls, and the occasional squeak of the wheels. He just wanted someone to _say_ something. The silence was killing him.

The room they arrived at was as still as the rest of the floor, though spared the harsh lighting – illuminated instead by several lamps. Unable to stand the wait he'd stumbled out of the wheelchair at the door and staggered to the bedside. It hurt, but it didn't matter. None of it mattered. _Kaoru_ mattered.

"Hika-chan!" Honey had been sat on a chair near the foot of the bed, knees drawn up and stuffed bunny clutched to his chest. Two other chairs were taken too – by Kyouya and Mori, one on each side, both seemingly sound asleep, having each taken possession of one of Kaoru's hands.

Someone else's arm caught him gently around the waist – he didn't need to look to know it was Tamaki, of _course_ it was Tamaki - even as the blonde chastised that he shouldn't be here, should be resting… there was more talk and motion going on around him, but it was lost on him. He was too busy fighting to get closer to his brother.

"Kaoru… Kaoru…" With no idea what was safe to touch his hands worked uselessly at his sides, vision blurring and voice choking as he moaned his brother's name in anguish. It was shocking, what mere water had managed to do to his brother. He wasn't moving, wasn't even _breathing_ the way Kaoru breathed. The machines made soft noises as they pumped air in and out of Kaoru's lungs. It sounded wrong, too mechanical, too timed for it to be normal.

The path to the bedside was suddenly clear, and Hikaru slipped free of Tamaki's supporting hands to sink down at the edge of the bed.

"Kaoru…" He implored softly, taking Kaoru's hand and pressing it to his cheek, "Wake up. Wake up, Kaoru, please…"

He was so _cold_, so pale and he looked so tired. He didn't show any reaction to his touch at all, and that in itself was frightening. Even if he was asleep, Kaoru would know if Hikaru was there, acknowledge his presence somehow even if it was something as simple as smiling, or turning into his touch.

"Please," he repeated. "Kaoru, _please_…"

Somewhere behind him Honey whispered again, "Hika-chan…" but he wasn't really listening. There wasn't anything beyond them, beyond the eerie way the light seemed to pool around the bed. The world had contracted to the way he held Kaoru's limp hand against his cheek as if he could be brought round by touch alone, to the desperation in Hikaru's voice, more than the words he was saying.

He isn't dead, he tried to reassure himself. He's not dead, and nor am I.

Because of him.

He couldn't remember how it had happened, and that was the hardest thing of all because this had to be a mistake – because if he could maybe remember something, bring to light some small fact that they were missing, they might be able to fix everything.

His head kept making stuff up to fill in the gaps – he'd slipped on his board, hit his head, fallen. Kaoru must have jumped straight in after him, though how they'd ended up out in the open water with only one of their boards he wasn't sure.

Everything beyond the fall was a tangle of confused images – Kaoru breaking the surface of the water with a gasp, pushing his hair out of his eyes before closing the distance between them; Kaoru pulling most of the damaged tack off the board and encouraging him to climb onto it.

The storm clouds gathering in.

Rain pelting down on them like bullets.

Kaoru's gasping breaths as he struggled to keep them both afloat, the board suddenly gone.

Hikaru didn't realise he was shaking until a pair of slender arms wound around him from behind, reaching up to smooth back his hair.

"Baby…"

"I think this is my fault," He choked out eventually, a couple of tears rolling down his cheeks and coming to a stop against fingertips that should have been wiping them away before they got that far, "I don't know what happened, I don't know what he did, but he…"

"It's all right, sweetie…"

"He was _scared_, Mom, he must have been so-"

"Shh, baby…" Very, very gently, she disengaged his hand from Kaoru's and drew her son close to her chest as he gasped and sobbed, rubbing his back in slow, tender circles, "Shh, baby, shh…"

"It's my fault-"

"Shh…"

The room had quietly emptied, the club members moving off to give them some time together. It made the sounds even more pronounced – Kaoru's mechanised breathing, Yuzuha's soft reassurances, Hikaru's desperate sobs. She gently threaded her fingers through his hair.

"Honey, you need to get some rest. You're tired…"

He shook his head, pulling back a little way and lacing his fingers through Kaoru's again.

"I can't leave him." He protested, his eyes now caught between the slow, slow beeps of the heart monitor. "I can't leave him all alone like this…"

"He's not alone, sweetie." She stroked his cheek. "Your friends are all staying close by. They've been making sure that there's always someone with each of you. No one is going to wake up alone."

"I mean I don't want him to wake up without me." Hikaru corrected desperately. "I don't _want_ him to be scared…"

"I know," she replied gently. Her sons had hardly spent a night apart in their lives – never if they could help it. The last thing Hikaru would want to do, after everything that had happened, would be to leave his brother by himself in a hospital so far away from home. It didn't matter if Hikaru was only a few floors below, it didn't matter if their friends were there with him.

And the last thing Yuzuha wanted was to see her sons separated by force.

"The doctors say he isn't very likely to wake up in the next few days," she began, reaching out again to tidy his hair, "Even if he does, they're keeping close enough an eye on him that they'll know a good while before it happens. We can't do anything to move the two of you closer together until the morning, so I need you to be patient and wait this out for me. Can you do that?"

It was a while before Hikaru nodded, albeit reluctantly.

"Is he gonna die?"

Very gently, Yuzuha cupped his chin in her hands, turning his face towards her, voice and face earnest.

"Hikaru. We can't think like that, okay? We can't. He's in a bad way but the doctors are looking after him. I know it's scary, but Kaoru needs us to be strong. And he needs you to take care of yourself, okay?"

He nodded again, looking back to the bed again.

"If anything happens…"

"Someone will let us know, I promise." She smiled gently, leaning in to kiss his forehead. "Let's get you back to bed."


	3. Chapter 3

The sea was getting rougher, the wind stronger, the rain harder. He closed his eyes tightly, gritting his teeth and bowing his head against it, trying to shield Hikaru from it with his own body. He'd stopped trying to keep his brother awake his fingers had long since seized up from the cold, one hand clutching them both onto the board, the other slung across Hikaru; clamped around his brother's arm, unable, unwilling to let his brother go. He ached. He wanted to sleep. He wanted to stop.

But he couldn't stop – for Hikaru's sake. To even entertain the idea was unforgivable: not for a moment, not until help came, not until Hikaru's safety was assured. He would be able to sleep then, knowing that everything would be all right.

The wave was on top of them before he even realised it – Hikaru, the board he was using to keep them afloat, both disappeared from his grasp _(Had this not happened before? No matter how tightly he clung onto them, they were always swept out of his arms again)._ He clawed his way, lungs burning, to the surface, coughed out a lungful of water and struggled to stay afloat to catch his breath before diving down again (_Couldn't cry now. Couldn't scream now, couldn't call for his brother's help. It was just him and water, water for miles around and a full, darkening sky._)

It had played out so many times, but each time always felt like the first – and always, he panicked. Because no matter how many times he ran it through, there was still always the chance that once Hikaru had been swept away, he would be gone for good.

* * *

The next time Hikaru woke it was with perfect clarity. 'Day three – no, two,' he corrected himself by looking at the clock, 'We're still in Okinawa, nobody's gone home. Kaoru's still in a coma three floors above me.'

He knew nothing had changed from the way Tamaki's shoulders were slumped, and how Haruhi was propping up her chin against her hand. They watched, ready to stop him as he sat up, aches running through his body. Even though he knew he was supposed to take care of himself, he didn't really care. His pain was inconsequential. He'd seen the bandages wrapped around Kaoru's body during his visit, and understood now the amount of strain his brother had put his body under. He could remember a little more – pieces; that he'd tried to swim because Kaoru told him to, that Kaoru had had to slap him awake when he started to drift off; remembered seeing the frightened look in his brother's eyes every time he had to wake him...

None of this would have happened if he hadn't slipped in the first place. Why did he have to slip? Why did he have to be so stupid and put Kaoru through so much?

"Kaoru?" He didn't look at either of them, brows furrowing in consternation as he fixed his gaze on his lap.

"He's still..."

"...sleeping."

"...he's not sleeping." Hikaru lifted his head a little sharper than he intended, pinning Tamaki with a pointed look. "...don't try to make this sound better. He's not sleeping."

"Hikaru..."

He sighed, scrubbed at his cheeks with the backs of his hands. Exactly as he expected: no change. He wanted to go back. He wanted to go back up there and _be_ with his brother because Kaoru deserved more. He didn't deserve to be all alone.

...but he couldn't do anything. Hikaru couldn't do anything for him.

"...hey." Haruhi's hands found his and gently disengaged their grip on the sheets, urging him to meet her gaze.

"...I have to see him again, Haruhi. I _need_ to go up there." She gave a tense nod in reply, squeezing his hands.

"I know that. And you will. Yuzuha-san organised a move for you, you just have to be patient..."

"I don't _want_ to be fucking patient." Frustrated, he yanked his hands from her grasp. "I want my brother and he... he _needs_ me."

"The doctors say he isn't aware of anything at the moment." Haruhi tried gently. "He's still not responsive..."

"That doesn't mean he isn't scared." He diverted his attention from the two of them, clenching his fists and grinding his teeth. _That doesn't mean he doesn't know I'm not there_.

Neither of them had anything to say to that. For a long time there was nothing but resounding silence; the ticking of the clock seeming to get louder in absence of other sound. No. He couldn't just sit and wait like this.

"I need to see Kyouya."

"He went back to the hotel..." Haruhi glanced at Tamaki for back-up.

"Don't _do_ that." Even without lifting his eyes, Hikaru could practically _feel_ the way they were looking at each other. To his shame, his voice shook slightly; giving his rebuke less force than he'd intended. For several long moments he struggled to compose himself and when he spoke again his voice was lower; huskier. "...please. You don't understand what I'm going through. This... this is _Kaoru_. I can't just sit here and do nothing. _I _have to look out for _him_ now."

They started to give each other those looks again, but Tamaki nodded in acquiescence, rising to his feet before Hikaru could call him out on it.

"I'll see what I can do." Mollified, Hikaru stared into his lap again, muttering a brusque, "Thanks." As the door closed behind him, silence settled in once more and Hikaru fidgeted with a bandage on his arm, tugging left-handed at the material.

"The nurse just re-dressed that." He glanced up as she reprimanded him, not quite following.

"Re-dressed what?" She gestured to his arm again.

"You have scratches. From where he was holding onto you." He looked back at her a moment, before returning to tug at the bandages with more fervour. "They were pretty deep..."

"I'm not squeamish." He proffered his arm, indicating that she remove the bandages. "I don't feel anything. I want to see." With a put-upon sigh, she leaned over to wind them off his arm.

Haruhi hadn't been exaggerating. There were four thin – but deep – marks on the fleshy inside of his arm, just above the elbow; and a fifth on the outside, all surrounded by bruising - as though Kaoru had grabbed hold, fingernails digging in, and refused to let go. As though he had not even dared to alter his grip. Hikaru ran a fingertip over them. There was a slight sting, but the area mostly just felt numb, probably from whatever the nurse had used to dress the wound.

He shook his head as Haruhi reached out to wrap it again.

"Leave it. It's fine, it doesn't hurt."

Haruhi sat back again with a slow nod, setting the bandages down on the table.

"...I do understand, you know."

"Yeah." For a moment longer he just stared at the wounds and didn't say anything else. "...you were in the helicopter with him, right?" Haruhi nodded again. "...how bad was it?"

"...it was awful." She whispered, bowing her head, addressing her clenched hands rather than Hikaru. He immediately regretted asking, even though he had fully intended to provoke some kind of response.

"I need to know." He reached out to touch her hands apologetically, unable to make his voice any louder without it trembling. He hadn't thought for a moment about how this would affect other people and with a stab of guilt he remembered – Haruhi _had_ been through it before. The fear, the worry, the helplessness. And she was a long way from home. But he needed to know, and if Haruhi was able to offer him anything...

"Nobody will tell me what's going on; how bad this is. I have to know what's going on, I have to be able to make the right decisions if he needs me to..."

Haruhi nodded, squeezing his hands and moving to sit on the edge of the bed.

"I don't think I can tell you everything you want to know." she began quietly. "Kyouya-senpai will probably be able to tell you more..."

"I just need to know what you saw." Hikaru prompted. "When you saw him, was he already...?"

"No." She let go of his hands, rubbing at her eyes. "No, not then. But he looked awful when they got him out. I didn't even know it was him. We all thought you would have let him go first, we didn't know..." She swallowed, making a visible effort to keep herself on track. "...he was so cold, but he wasn't even shivering. But he just... gave me this look. Like he didn't know who I was. When he stopped breathing again I was scared he wasn't even going to make it to the hospital..."

"I'm sorry." He'd almost forgotten to breathe himself whilst Haruhi was speaking and the apology came out almost as if he were suffocating. He took a few deep breaths in an attempt to steady himself and Haruhi watched him, visibly concerned.

"I should stop..." He shook his head, hand returning to the inside of his right arm again. "You shouldn't push yourself, Hikaru..."

"I'm fine. If there's more, I need to hear it."

She nodded, pulled in a deep breath, and began to tell him the rest she could remember of those awful first few hours, watching the doctors struggle to keep Kaoru going, watching him fail again just as they thought he was going to be all right...

Hikaru couldn't watch her talk about it, and she couldn't look at him either. Her hands twisted in her lap, and he traced the marks on the inside of his arm over and over, as if it was going to help.

"...I can't let him die," he whispered into a silence he didn't realise had settled. "I... I don't want this to be the only thing I have left of him. He can't die." Haruhi shifted a little closer, gently prying his hands away.

"Kyouya will be able to explain it better," she repeated, her voice as hushed as Hikaru's was, "But the doctors say Kaoru isn't in danger right now. He's more stable than he was before." Hikaru just nodded numbly, rubbing a hand over his eyes. "...are you tired?" He nodded, settling back slightly.

"I guess sleeping will make the time go faster. Until I can see him."

She squeezed his hand gently.

"It will. I promise."

Hikaru sighed, closing his eyes.

"I wish you could promise me he'll wake up," he murmured quietly. "If you could do that, I'd sleep much easier."

* * *

**A/N:** It's been, what? The better part of two years since I started this thing? And the sad truth is this most of this chapter has been sitting in my hard drive for the majority of that time. I hope it wasn't too much of a disappointment, and that maybe those of you who'd added this to Author Alert weren't too annoyed by the wait. Fingers crossed I won't leave it so long next time!


	4. Chapter 4

"You wanted to see me?"

An hour or so later, Kyouya was in his doorway. His senpai looked no different to the way he usually did: clothes perfect, hair perfect, posture perfect – impeccable. There was no way of telling whether he'd woken up five hours or five minutes ago; though from what Hikaru gathered, the older boy had been at the hospital late that night and only returned to the hotel when Mori came to relieve him in the early morning… so the chances were good that he'd been sleeping since. It was well-known that Kyouya operated best at night.

Under his visitor's expectant gaze, Hikaru took a deep breath and nodded, sitting up on the exhale.

"I… I need to know what's going on with Kaoru." He rushed eventually. "I know, I know I should just ask a doctor but all they do is use long words and confuse me. I need to hear it from someone in the know. Someone I trust. And… someone who isn't going to try to sugar-coat it for me." He saw Kyouya's eyebrows rise at that, but he continued. "I need you because I know that if I ask you to, you'll be straight with me, Kyouya. And right now I'm asking so… so please…"

He took the seat that Haruhi hadn't long since vacated, eyeing Hikaru in a manner that was neither critical nor dismissive.

"What is it that you want to know?"

"If…" Right now, it was difficult to contemplate the thought of Kaoru never waking up. His throat closed around what he wanted to say. Hikaru swallowed and tried again. "…whatever happens, I want to… I have to be the one to make the decisions about- - the decisions for Kaoru." He stopped. Kyouya prompted him with his eyes and he stumbled to clarify, "But… I don't know what's happening with him. I don't know what's been going on, but whatever it is has got Tamaki and my parents worried, Haruhi's terrified, and the rest of you keep giving each other those looks you give when I've fallen behind on something and you're waiting for me to work it out. I know you don't know what happened out there and if I could tell you more about it I would-"

"We don't blame you for that, Hikaru." Kyouya interjected quietly.

"- but I need to know what's been going on in here if I'm going to have a chance of making the right decisions for my brother. You've been in this place the whole time; you all have eyes and ears. But none of you will tell me what's going on." His voice started to shake slightly with the strain. "This is my _twin_ and I need to know what's happening to him."

The silence that followed was deafening. Kyouya could have said anything. He could have said that they didn't want to trouble Hikaru further with news of Kaoru's condition. He could have expressed doubt that Hikaru could truly make the decisions for Kaoru given their connection. He could have told Hikaru that should the worst happen, he doubted that the Hitachiin would make the selfless choice and instead choose to keep Kaoru here, lingering and in pain, even when all other options had been exhausted.

But he said nothing, seemingly weighing up what he was planning to say while Hikaru preoccupied himself with what could have been said instead.

"Do you know what drowning does to the human body?"

He had asked for it, but Hikaru couldn't help but flinch at the directness of the question and fire back - "Kills it?" Kyouya gave him a look that said he was still waiting for a real response. Hikaru tried to give him one but before he could muster it, another question.

"What about hypothermia?"

"We're in Okinawa, senpai, the water's hardly freezing."

"Yet the fact remains you were both hypothermic when you were brought in, though Kaoru's case was more severe. Body heat is more rapidly absorbed by water, did you know that?" Hikaru shook his head. Indeed, he did not know that. "Okinawan climate notwithstanding, given how far out you were swept, the weather conditions, and how long you were in them, the outcome was inevitable."

As he stared at his hands, Hikaru was reminded never to doubt Kyouya's knowledge again.

"…senpai, what happened to him?"

The other boy lifted his glasses, pinching the bridge of his nose before speaking.

"Kaoru's body was already starting to shut down before he went under. As soon as he knew you were safe… I think that's when the relief set in and he blacked out. The EMT had given him a float to hold onto but he didn't even grab for it. He just… slipped under." Hikaru's hands bunched tightly around the sheets, and Kyouya seemed to give him a moment to collect himself. When he continued, Kyouya's voice seemed more subdued, almost halting. "…once Kaoru was under the water, he couldn't get any oxygen any more. Every second counted. We needed to bring you inside; the technician couldn't get down again with you. Even when the other helicopter arrived, we had to wait for their EMT to get down to find Kaoru…"

"…every second counted." Kyouya nodded once, tersely.

"He was in the water for just over five minutes, but it was almost another minute before they got him into the helicopter and he started breathing again." He breathed out slowly. "When… when an unconscious person slips under the water, their larynx is almost always in spasm. Commonly referred to as choking. It's a defensive mechanism for the body. It helps seal the lungs and combined with the seal of the lips, this usually prevents water from getting in. But from what we can tell, Kaoru took in water while he was under. It means he tried to breathe."

"He was conscious…" Hikaru felt his stomach twist at the thought. "Haruhi said…" He tried to steady his voice. "She said he coughed up water and took… maybe, like, a gasp in the helicopter but stopped breathing again, after…" He couldn't get any air. He would have been suffocating…

Kyouya seemed to read his mind.

"Oxygen starvation has several effects on the body before death; do you know them?" Hikaru shook his head. He didn't want a pop quiz, he wanted answers. "When the brain and body are left without a sufficient oxygen supply, damage begins to occur even past cardiac arrest – when the heart stops." He clarified the term. Hikaru noted that Kyouya took care not to put the words 'brain' and 'damage' next to one another, but they wouldn't stop echoing in his head, "Then brain death happens about six minutes after the oxygen supply was cut. The technicians were able to support Kaoru's breathing, but his heart stopped shortly before he arrived at the hospital. It continued to fail for some time afterwards, and he had several seizures due to the lack of oxygen."

Brain damage.

"…is he still having them now? What about his heart?"

"He may have a seizure again, but he's stable. He's not getting worse. The doctors' current concern is the damage the water did to his lungs. They would like to take him off the ventilator but..." Hikaru swallowed, thinking about the room.

"The machine… does it mean that he can't breathe on his own?"

"He can." Kyouya replied simply. "But he can't take in enough oxygen on his own. The doctors are monitoring him and adjusting what the machine gives him accordingly."

"If… when he wakes up." Hikaru corrected himself quickly. "When he wakes up, what will happen?"

"He'll come out of the coma very slowly." Kyouya leaned his elbows on the edge of the bed, steepling his fingers. "I'm sure you've seen many films where people wake miraculously recovered, but this isn't the case. He might not be able to spend much time awake at all, at first. It might be difficult or impossible for him to communicate verbally. He will likely be confused, maybe frightened or agitated. He might not remember what happened to him, even if you tell him. In the end, the speed of his recovery will depend on how severe the neurological damage is but… he may still have a number of difficulties even after he wakes. We can't be sure of how bad the damage will be until he can be completely assessed."

Hikaru took a few minutes to try to internalise all this information. He knew that whatever happened, it wouldn't change anything. He would always be by Kaoru's side, even if he didn't know he was there, even if his brother couldn't speak to him, even if he never recognised him again. But…

"Tell me truthfully Kyouya… will he die?"

There was a long silence and Hikaru knew he was weighing what he was about to say very carefully.

"He is more likely to survive. But right now I can't tell you whether he will ever wake again."

* * *

The lights were getting further and further away and all he could do was stare up at them as he sank. The further away he got, the harder it would be for him to get back. But his arms hurt, his legs hurt, his body hurt, and he wasn't sure he'd be able to make it if he tried.

The bottomless ocean grew darker and darker beneath him. He dimly remembered seeing documentaries once; about the ugly disfigured things that lived on the ocean floor. No light could get down there. There was nothing there but suffocating darkness.

His vision was dimming.

But there was light above, light and air. Above the water, where they'd taken Hikaru. That was where the light was, that was where the air was, with Hikaru and the others.

No.

He didn't want to live with the misshapen creatures in the dark.

All of his strength went into his final, futile strike for the surface and he screamed out the last of his oxygen in agony as the right side of his body seemed to tear apart. Reflexively his body tried to pull in another breath and as the water rushed in he felt himself sink faster and deeper.

The darkness was coming and Kaoru didn't want it to.

No, he wanted to shout, cry, howl, to whatever was listening.

No, I want to _live_.

* * *

The doctors didn't want Hikaru walking alone yet, but he didn't care. He'd finally had his bed moved to be closer to Kaoru and although it still wasn't satisfactory (only the very next bed would be close enough), he supposed he could bear with being a few doors down the hall if it meant he could go see him.

The aches in his body had mostly subsided, but the knock to his head still left him dizzy when he was standing, so he moved carefully, staying close to the wall for balance. He had chosen to forgo the hospital slippers and made his way silently down the corridor, barefoot.

He could hear the sound of Kaoru's monitors from just down the hall and he followed them. Kyouya was with him tonight. He had been almost flippant about the late hour, claiming he'd be awake anyway and that Mori would come by again in the early morning to relieve him. He could cope until then.

Hikaru expected to find his senpai set up with his laptop at a desk in the corner, clicking away at his keys, face lit by the white glow of the screen. He expected that it was all just a formality to Kyouya; he was taking his turn just like the rest of them and if he were going to be sitting he might as well make productive use of his time. Because that was what Hikaru _expected_ from Kyouya.

Instead when he peeped around the corner he found something completely _un_expected. The room was quiet, still, save for the regular hiss of the machines. Kyouya had a chair pulled up close to the bed, one of Kaoru's hands clasped between both of his as if to warm it. His eyes were closed, so he hadn't noticed him... and if Hikaru hadn't known him better, he might have thought the other boy was praying. But that wasn't what made him pause.

What really made him pause was that Kyouya's head was just slightly dipped, so that the back of Kaoru's hand was pressed lightly, gently, delicately, against his lips.

* * *

**A/N**: Thanks to all of you who have stuck with me after so long. You have no idea what your support means to me.


	5. Chapter 5

The morning before it all went so badly wrong, Kyouya had woken to Kaoru pandering for his attention. He knew it must be Kaoru, sweet Kaoru, bold Kaoru, beautiful Kaoru, because nobody else would dare sneak into his room; into his bed, and start covering his cheeks and jaw in gentle kisses.

He played dumb and let him, feigning sleep. Kaoru, naturally, knew he was pretending, and grew more daring, moving his lips down Kyouya's neck to test him, each waiting for the other to break.

When Kaoru pulled away, a disappointed noise gathered in the back of Kyouya's throat and he knew he would have to surrender this one. He cracked open an eyelid. He didn't need his glasses to know that the other boy was grinning victoriously down at him.

"Trouble." He grabbed a pillow and sent it flying in his direction but Kaoru dodged with little difficulty and bent his head again, claiming his lips briefly – though Kyouya was by no means done, and he continued as soon as he was freed: "You know it's suicide to wake me at this hour of the morning, so you'd better have a good reason."

"It's nine o'clock, Shadow King." Kaoru rolled his eyes. "Any self-respecting business tycoon would be out of bed and attempting world domination by now."

"I operate best at night. That's when the Western world is awake." He intoned, drawing Kaoru's body closer. The Hitachiin leaned over him to retrieve his glasses from the bedside table, gently settling them in their proper place so that Kyouya could bring him into focus. Kaoru was practically bouncing with excitement and he couldn't help but soften his tone a little. "You still haven't answered my question."

"Hikaru and I are going windsurfing today, remember?"

"Oh? And here I thought you had plans to spend the day in your bedroom… how did you put it? _Doing_ each other?" Kaoru swatted him playfully, and Kyouya's arms tightened around his slender waist before he could stalk away in mock-annoyance. "Tell me about your real plans."

"…actually, I wanted to tell him today." Kaoru admitted, leaning their foreheads together, closing his eyes. "There's an island a little north of here. Just me and him. It'll be perfect."

"Anyone would think you were planning a marriage proposal."

"Don't be ridiculous. That's your job."

"And when will you be back?" Kyouya probed.

"In the evening. It's not like we'll spend _all_ day out there… we'll probably start heading back at about three o'clock. I'll call you while Hikaru's phoning for our boat." He kissed Kyouya's neck briefly and the older boy hummed; imagining Kaoru's return, hair in disarray from the saltwater, skin soft and tanned and warmed by the sun.

"I look forward to it."

"In the meantime, _you_ can get busy planning what we're going to do this evening."

"What we're going to do? Or what I'm going to do to you?"

"Depends." Kaoru chuckled quietly, teasing, "I know the cover of darkness is the best time for all manner of sins… but I wouldn't want to keep you from your corporate takeover."

"Heaven forbid," Kyouya rolled his eyes. Kaoru settled against him and for a while it was perfect, just having his company, his soft breaths against his neck.

Gently, he patted the small of Kaoru's back.

"Go," he urged gently. "Be safe and come back soon."

"Have fun?"

"I'm sure you'd do so without my telling you to. But yes. Have fun." The younger boy flashed him a wide smile, giving him a final kiss that pressed him back against the headboard before bounding out of the room.

Kyouya would never forget that, his last sight of Kaoru that morning. His memory was keen; he remembered every word, every touch, every detail. When Kaoru had left, it was in a flurry of sound and colour. He wore an orange shirt with a turquoise batik pattern coming up from the hem, unbuttoned so it draped over his chest and flew behind him when he moved – he had never been particularly shy. Carved wooden bracelets clacked softly together on his wrist as he moved, though his feet were bare and made no sound on the warm, sunlit floor.

* * *

Hikaru ducked back behind the wall again before Kyouya could open his eyes and see him. He had the feeling that he had almost rushed into the middle of a very personal moment.

He had perhaps realised (on some level) that there was something going on. Kaoru had been spending a lot more time in Kyouya's company, especially since the whole Tamaki-Eclair-Elopement-Fiasco, but he hadn't quite realised the situation was… well, what he'd just seen.

After all, there was nothing stopping Kyouya from dropping that hand and chartering his own jet home. Even if his concern was purely superficial (or just not that deep) and he was hanging around just for appearances' sake, he didn't have to be sat at Kaoru's bedside like that, in the dead of night, alone. There was nothing to stop Kyouya leaving just as; equally, there could be nothing to keep him there. Kyouya was probably even better informed of the possible outcomes than Hikaru ever could be, so why was he still here?

Love? He might have snickered at the thought under other circumstances. But it wasn't so ridiculous a notion, judging by Kyouya's little vigil in the next room.

But how did Hikaru feel about that? Was he really okay with it? He supposed in the end… watching him, there was little room to doubt Kyouya's motives. So long as Kaoru was happy, it was okay.

He slumped against the wall as if he had stumbled, knowing Kyouya would hear the small noise, and gave him enough time to resume a Kyouya-like position before he rounded the corner into the room. To his credit, Kyouya hadn't simply dropped Kaoru's hand, though it was now laid carefully on top of the blankets with only one of his own hands resting innocently on top of it – like it had been when Hikaru had come to visit the first time. Kyouya spared him a brief glance before turning his attention back to the bed, as if granting him permission to be out of bed even as he chastised him.

"You should be resting." The admonishment was a little half-hearted, like he knew that no matter what he said, Hikaru was never going to pay attention anyway.

"Yeah, but you're not gonna chase me out." Hikaru shrugged and gave a smile that wasn't in the least bit apologetic. "Kaoru would get mad at you." The older boy gave a small chuckle under his breath.

"As sure as I am that I'll be able to survive your brother's wrath, I have no intention to provoke it in the first place. It was very kind of you to warn me, however."

"You're welcome." Hikaru quipped, moving to the other side of the bed. Carefully, he placed a hand on his brother's head.

"Hey, you. It's me. Still hanging around with this loser, Kaoru?" It was still so hard, so scary, seeing his brother like this. Unable to breathe on his own, not even reacting to him. He hated it.

He started stroking Kaoru's hair gently.

"…I'm really sorry I've not been around. You know, they'll hardly let me see you so I've had to resort to covert operations. They seem to think it's bad for me, being near you. W-well, the problem's actually being out of bed, but they totally don't get that they could just move my bed _here_ and fix the problem.

"I have my spies keeping an eye on you all the time, but I still have to sneak in when nobody's looking. So you've got to hurry and wake up, so we can punish all the doctors and nurses here for not letting me in and making me _sleep_ when I don't want to. B-but the spies are good spies, okay? And they're not really spies, just Tamaki-senpai and the rest; so you're not gonna wake up alone or anything. And if I'm not there someone'll come and get me right away… so you don't need to worry. Just wake up soon, okay?"

Okay? Okay? It sounded more futile every time he said it, but he couldn't help the way it slipped out as he searched for any indication that Kaoru could hear him.

"And… in the meantime you can totally listen in on everyone's conversations. You can tell me everyone's secrets when you wake up, yeah? Especially the embarrassing stuff. Like, I wanna know if Tono snores in his sleep." …he really didn't know what else to say and lowered his hand to take Kaoru's. "Uh… we're gonna talk amongst ourselves now, probably. I'll stay until Kyouya-senpai kicks me out or a nurse comes to find me or whatever. I… I'm holding your hand now, you know. I promise I'll tell you before I leave, okay? I promise."

Not sure what else to do, he offered Kyouya a sheepish smile and took a seat at the edge of the bed. They settled into an awkward silence, which Hikaru guessed was better than stilted conversation. But he wished he could just ask Kyouya about what he had just seen without fearing his reaction. He knew full well that his senpai could put the brakes on fast enough to give him whiplash.

If Kaoru were awake, he knew his brother would help him out.

Screw it. Hikaru was just going to go for it.

"Kyouya-senpai…" he began slowly, "…Kaoru's been around you a lot lately." He fidgeted with his brother's hand. The older boy had fixed him with a piercing gaze. "Is it, um… are you two involved. I mean ro- -" Wait, this _was_ still Kyouya. "Uh… non-platonically?"

Those dark eyes bored into him beneath delicately raised eyebrows. Hikaru almost wanted to hit his brother. What had he got him into?

Unknown to Hikaru, Kyouya's mind was racing. When things had begun with Kaoru, they had both decided it was best not to make it – whatever was going on – bigger or more complicated. They were naturally cautious people and favoured simplicity, liking to know where they stood. They didn't want to fall too fast, too deep, only for everything to go wrong. They had chosen to move slowly, but even then… the pace had been absolutely perfect.

He would never admit it to Hikaru, but Kyouya had already been beyond redemption before the accident, before Okinawa.

Of course, he and Kaoru had discussed announcing their relationship, or at least carefully slipping it into conversation with those close to them. Although Kyouya knew he might never be in a position to broach the subject with his family, he had made it clear to Kaoru that he wouldn't mind if he mentioned it to Hikaru. He knew they shared everything, and Kaoru had been ready to talk to him about it. But clearly Kaoru had never got the chance.

And now Hikaru was asking him.

For one of the first times in his life – though most of the others were down to Kaoru anyway - Kyouya hesitated.

"Yes." He admitted quietly, then added cautiously. "…we were." Maybe not anymore, he reminded himself. Hikaru blinked.

"How come you didn't say?" What he meant to ask was how come _Kaoru_ didn't say. But he could understand on some levels. He wouldn't want to say unless he was sure. And for Kyouya to say so, they must have been getting there.

Or… or had they already _gone_ there?

"Um… senpai?" He was _extremely _uncomfortable asking this, but then he supposed Kyouya must be too - more so, once he'd asked what he was about to ask. Surely… _surely_ Kaoru would have told him about the relationship if it was that _big_ but… "Uh… do you _know _him? I mean, like… biblically?"

"Biblically?" Kyouya watched him with raised eyebrows. Although Hikaru looked down quickly in embarrassment, he knew the older boy was trying to puzzle out this meaning, even though his unease should have made it pretty obvious. Maybe Kyouya just hadn't been getting enough sleep, because it took him a moment to get it, and when he did, it was like someone had flicked a switch.

Kyouya threw back his head and _laughed_.

For a moment, Hikaru wondered if the world might be ending… but no, Kyouya seemed genuinely tickled by what he had just said.

"No, Hikaru. Not 'biblically'." The parlance seemed to amuse him even as he repeated it, and although he composed himself, Hikaru was sure he could still see a certain glimmer in his eye. He took a little courage from that and tried to frame the question that was really on his mind.

"Senpai, why are you still here?" He asked it without the slightest hint of accusation or reproach, but with a slant of curiosity that needed to be answered, and Kyouya knew that saying 'because I can' or 'because I want to' wasn't going to cut it.

"…because I'm already in too deep." He admitted. His other hand fell to resume its hold on Kaoru's again. He hoped Kaoru _was_ listening, and that he was amused, or proud, or a bit of both. "It was impossible for me to choose to leave."

"But senpai…" Hikaru couldn't finish. Kyouya had told him, after all, what the outcomes could be. He probably knew far more about them than Hikaru ever could. It wasn't his place to lecture him but… did the Shadow King realise he wasn't invulnerable anymore? Did he realise he could be setting himself up for heartache, here? He wanted to ask, he wanted to be sure, because if he let Kyouya walk into this… if Kyouya got hurt because Hikaru failed to pull him back… Kaoru would never forgive him. Especially if Kyouya did this over him. He opened his mouth to speak –

"You underestimate the entire situation, Hikaru." He had to find out how Kyouya could read minds like that. "It's already later than you think." He clasped his hands around Kaoru's. "I know… what might be in store for me. But I'm not leaving."

"…because there's nothing like it, is there?" Hikaru ventured quietly. "Being loved by him… it's special, isn't it?"

"Yes." Kyouya didn't hesitate. "And… it makes me feel special, too." Hikaru smiled.

"That's Kaoru."

"That's Kaoru," Kyouya agreed quietly. For a moment, the two of them forgot where they were, forgot Kaoru's condition, forgot everything, until they looked back at each other over the bed. Hikaru took a steadying breath.

"…what can we do?" He questioned, rubbing Kaoru's hand gently between both of his, "Until he wakes up, what can we do?" With a little of his usual bluster, he added, "I know it's good to talk to him and stuff, but it's not as if I have an eventful life stuck in here. The last thing I wanna do is bore him to death…"

"There are lots of things we can do," Kyouya began, "You can play him music or movies, or read to him… familiar sounds will be comforting, especially when he starts to wake." When. Always 'when'. Never 'if'. "It will be difficult for him to understand or respond, especially at first when it might just seem like noise to him. But that's no reason why it shouldn't be done. You can also help with his physical therapy. The doctors need to move him regularly – if not, his muscles and joints will seize and lock, or he could develop circulation issues… basically, lying here immobile will do him more harm in the long-run. We can't stop it, but we can minimize the effects, so that his rehabilitation will be less of struggle. Even massage will help."

"…will he know?" Hikaru asked softly. "I mean before, he's always known when it's me near him, talking, touching him, even when he's sleeping. I guess it's more natural for us than breathing, you know? But now… when he's like this, he never reacts. So I don't know if he even knows I'm there at all…"

"You're Hikaru." There was absolutely no doubt in Kyouya's voice, and the statement came like a certain fact. "Of course he'll know. Of course it will help. Auditory and tactile stimuli are the most important right now. And your voice and your hands should be the most familiar to him, correct?"

"…right. Yeah. Correct." He hesitated. "And… do you mind?" _You're not jealous, right?_

The way Kyouya stifled a rather undignified snort of laughter told Hikaru that his senpai understood his implications perfectly and judged the question to be a completely ridiculous and unnecessary one.

"I know perfectly well who and what you are to one another." He always sounded so perfectly sure. In some circumstances it was reassuring. In others it sounded plain smug. Kyouya was observant to a fault, but Hikaru could just _tell_ that Kaoru must have filled him in on a number of other things as well. "Quite frankly, if I didn't I'd expect you to question my involvement here."

"Sure." Hikaru repeated quietly. "And… senpai. If he recognises me, he'll be able to recognise you, too. If you're worried… he'll remember you. On some level. I know it."

This time, the chuckle was mirthless – almost sad. Kyouya's two and a half years of _knowing_ Kaoru against Hikaru's sixteen years at his side every second of every day? He was devoted, yes, but not a fool.

"We'll see."

* * *

**A/N:** What's this? A second update within the same year? This is a thing unheard of! But I realised the three-year anniversary was coming up (today, at time of posting, although not for much longer on my side of the world!) so, here you are.

Massive overhaul in progress – new story title, and chapters one through three will be updated with rookie mistakes eliminated. Or rewrites, if I deem them necessary.


	6. Chapter 6

**Note:** Chapter Five has been updated with additional content – it's tagged onto where I left off before.

* * *

Despite the fact that they were being paid handsomely for their work, Kyouya couldn't help but pity Hikaru's doctors. They'd tried their best with him, poor souls, but the older twin was too stubborn, too willful – he had never seen the same streak in Kaoru, who had always been compliant and placid. If he had it, Kyouya had yet to see it. For a little while, Kyouya helped him hide his secret, out-of-hours visits to Kaoru's room, taking advantage of reduced staff rounds… but it got more and more difficult once the nurses caught on and started coming to Kaoru's room at irregular intervals. From then, no matter how creatively he tried to hide, Hikaru was ousted out as quickly as he was found… but back again within the hour.

Kyouya had pinched the bridge of his nose on more than one occasion, in an attempt to stave off a building headache. Of course he understood Hikaru's reasons, and empathised with him completely, but in the end this was still a hospital, and a hospital had rules. He may be involved with the Hitachiins these days, but Kyouya was still an Ootori, and nothing if not a stickler for regulations.

"They're concerned for your health, Hikaru." Of course, even if he tried to tell Hikaru that the doctors were in charge, he'd never hear of it. But he still tried to reason with him. "You had a _head_ injury. They're worried about your well-being…"

"My well-being is _here_, senpai." Hikaru had replied quietly, slipping into the seat at Kaoru's left hand side, which was always kept open for him. "As is yours."

He wanted to learn, he wanted to understand precisely what Kaoru needed, and he wanted to help. He read almost constantly these days – when he wasn't visiting or sleeping – usually anything Kyouya had recommended, anything that might elucidate things for him. He was thankful that Kyouya was around to help him discuss what he's read and clear up anything that he was confused about, but he was tired of having to obey his doctors. If nothing else, he at least wanted to go back to the hotel _once_ and get some stuff for Kaoru. He knew Kyouya was reading Kaoru's books to him, but there were other things too, like brushing his hair, or playing his favourite music.

One week after the accident, the doctors finally released him from their care. All that meant to Hikaru was that he could now spend every moment, waking and sleeping, by Kaoru's side – and had it not been for the rest of the Host Club and their careful marshalling of both Hikaru's schedule and Kyouya's too, they _both_ would have.

Between the other four of them, they managed to push them into some kind of compromise, whereby Kyouya took the night watch and Hikaru the day, with Mori, Honey, Haruhi and Tamaki relieving them to sleep, or to poke at some food or maybe even sit in the sun for half an hour while the doctors ran their usual routine of scans and tests. There was a brief crossover in the evening, where Kyouya would recommend this book or that study to Hikaru, though for the most part his sleeping patterns were so different to Tamaki and Haruhi's that they had to sneak into his hotel suite in the mornings to check he was definitely there.

Not even Kyouya could tell how much the others knew. There was a high probability that Mori had formed an idea of what was going on – one more person than Kyouya had wanted, but he blamed himself for that one, for squeezing himself onto the edge of Kaoru's bed and resting his eyes for _just a second_ - - but the tactiturn senior had said little about the matter, only lending his quiet support when the others tried to convince him to surrender, or at least split the night shifts.

The days passed in blurs of waking, sleeping, travelling to the hospital and eating, all of them to facilitate the cycle they had found themselves in.

None of them planned on leaving their established radius of the hospital, and taking Kaoru home was out of the question until the doctors deemed it safe enough and none of them wanted to leave without him. So they waited.

* * *

Not all of Kaoru's dreams were drowning dreams.

He flopped onto his back on the beach, splayed like a starfish, breathless and laughing. It was almost noon, the sun at its height above him, beating on his chest and striking at his eyelids. Hikaru's voice was coming from far away, grousing at him from somewhere down the beach – probably for challenging him to a race he knew he would win - but too far to hear, never mind pay him any mind. He wasn't really paying anything much mind, not even the conversation they need to have at some point.

The cover of a cool shadow was the only warning he got before his brother's weight dropped on top of him, sandy and seawater-damp and they wrestled, yelping and shouting. They rolled carelessly down the beach, though Hikaru stopped them just before they end up in the water and the tide lapped at them for a while, making the damp ground shift beneath them. They were covered in it, in the sand, they'd have to swim again to get it all off their bodies. Their limbs were tangled together, Hikaru's hair gritty and salty and wet by his mouth, but Kaoru couldn't conceive of loving his brother more than he did at that moment. Whatever he would tell Hikaru today, everything would work out fine.

"…I miss you so much, Kaoru."

"Huh?" Startled, he tried to shift Hikaru over onto his back to look at him better, to question him better, but his twin refused to be budged and clung to him like a limpet, only bothering to move his head to Kaoru's shoulder instead.

"Hey. Remember when we were kids? How we used to play hide-and seek, just the two of us? We were three, maybe four back then, and you always made me the Oni. 'cept you always hid within, like, three rooms of me, so I could find you easily. So I got pissed off at you 'cause it wasn't really a challenge…"

Kaoru said nothing. There _was_ nothing but the sound of his brother's voice and the rush-in rush-out of the tide he's timed his breathing to. But it felt better to have his nose buried in his brother's seasalt hair so he tugged him a little bit closer.

"...anyway. So. I got really bratty and told you to hide properly. To go far, far away. Because that was the whole point, yeah? To make it a challenge? You wouldn't go until I promised that I'd find you but… but the house was always so big. And you were so tiny back then.

"I searched for you for about an hour before I started to get scared. I mean, when you're that age an hour feels like a lifetime, right? Right. Only we never really liked grown-ups, did we, so I didn't tell them for ages. And because you were my _twin _and I _promised_ and I had to fix it. So I kept looking didn't say anything, Not 'til the maids came to find me for dinner and found me twin-less and crying… Why'm I telling you this when you know the whole story, anyway?"

Hikaru's hand tightened in his – Kaoru's not quite sure how it got there because he thought his arms were _around_ Hikaru, and Hikaru's around him. He pressed his nose further into his brother's hair. Hikaru had been inconsolable at that time, of course he had been. He'd apologised and apologised and they'd cried and cried but it soon became a childhood incident long-forgotten… they'd never really _talked_ about it.

"…but I found you in the end. In the _ceiling_, of all places. And you were dusty and cold and you'd twisted your ankle, and you were just as distraught as I was, 'cause I know you were scared like me, like maybe you're scared now. I was scared because I thought you'd got mad and run away, and you were scared because _you_ thought _I'd_ got mad and decided not to look for you, but… ne, Kaoru… I'm right here, you know. I'm right here and I'm holding your hand, and I'm _saying_ all this stuff because I know you're there, and I'm going to find you. Me and senpai, we're looking, we're searching, and we're right here, okay? I don't know if you're scared 'cos you can't _get_ out, or if you're scared to _come_ out because something's… but I promise. We'll find you, if you're stuck and… and if something's broke, we'll fix it, okay? So you don't have to be scared." A wry chuckle ran though Hikaru's chest. Pressed against Kaoru's, it felt like his own. "…you did a stupid, stupid thing, you know? You're an idiot, but then, so am I. And I fucking get it now, how you can love me despite – _because_ - of all that. So please don't leave me. Just come back, yeah? Just… come back."

Then the moment was gone, and was as though he never said any of it, and with only the briefest of jars the dream switched track. Hikaru rolled off him with a boisterous laugh and pulled him to his feet, trying to ruffle the sand out of his own hair before offering his hand again.

"Let's go."

Completely forgetting where he was supposed to come back to, Kaoru smiled.

He took the proffered hand, and let Hikaru lead him back to the water instead.

* * *

"I-I swear I didn't do _anything_." Hikaru stammered, half-destroyed and horrified, shaking as he watched the scene unfold in front of him. "I swear I don't know what I said to… I thought they'd stopped, I thought you _said_…"

They were all too busy to notice him – it was night time, five days after Hikaru had been discharged. Honey and Mori had come to drag him back to the hotel, and he had only been saying his goodbyes when… when Kaoru had opened his eyes so _wide_ and then…

_This_ had happened, and he didn't know what to do. The way their senpai had all sprang into action, arranging themselves up the bed like they'd put some kind of plan in place, made Hikaru feel even more useless. It was all he could do to jump out of the way, releasing Kaoru's hand as Mori came to restrain his body; Honey pressing down on his ankles and Kyouya gently bracing his head still.

Even when the room flooded with doctors and nurses, they continued to hold him gently, firmly, like he was made of glass and they were scared he'd break if they let go. Hikaru was sure he could see Kyouya stroking Kaoru's hair, could hear him pleading softly, futilely to stop, to calm down, not to hurt himself. It wrenched at him, because Ootoris didn't plead. Ootoris didn't _beg_.

The seizures were completely involuntary, begging him wouldn't change anything. But it should have been _him_ there, even if Kaoru might not have been able to hear him, even if he might not have been able to understand.

It was the first time Hikaru had ever seen it happen and he just didn't know what to do.

* * *

Hikaru was in such a state that when Kyouya moved to his side he barely registered it. He was white as a sheet and shaking, eyes still trained out the door where the doctors had taken Kaoru once the seizure had subsided. He looked like he was about to collapse, or throw up, or bolt after them at any moment. Honey had slipped out already, and Kyouya was glad Mori was at hand to help him steer Hikaru out of the room and just… somewhere else. Anywhere else. After nearly two weeks it felt like they had only ever existed in this hospital, in this room. Even moving down the hall would be a pleasant change.

There was a small room for visitors just around the corner from the nurses' office. They let themselves in there and sat Hikaru down in one of the armchairs. Mori immediately moved off in search of tea – they'd brought along a decent enough stash in the beginning that it should still have been there – leaving Kyouya to snap Hikaru out of it.

"Are you all right, Hikaru?"

"I didn't know." Any of the cocky, self-assuredness Hikaru might have had left was gone. He was _shivering_. "Haruhi said it was bad but I didn't know and… and I thought they were supposed to have stopped, why did that happen when it was supposed to have stopped- -"

"That… is what the doctors are trying to figure out." Kyouya spoke over him, if only to stem off the rambling. "He was on some medication-"

"-which isn't working, is it?"

"No, it's not, but the doctors will figure out the dosage to help them stop. But for now, Hikaru, it's better this way-"

"_Better this way_?" Hikaru echoed, lifting his head abruptly, "How exactly it this better? I've tried, you know? I've tried so fucking hard to go along with the fact that this whole thing is happening. But I can't... I can't accept that I'm _worth_ this, Kyouya-senpai. It's bad enough that he almost died saving my life. But he shouldn't still have to suffer for _that_ like _this_, it's… it's not _fair_. It's not fair that he has to go through this after he did such a good thing, such a brave thing - such a… a dumb and misguided thing, maybe but… surely the fact that he saved my life should count in his favour? Surely… _fuck_, senpai…" Hikaru pressed the heel of his hand against one eye, "Does he even know I'm all right? Does he even know that it wasn't for nothing, that I'm here? I don't… I don't believe in God or anything; Kaoru was all I wanted and all I needed but he… he be_lieves_ in karma. And surely if either existed he'd be in enough credit not to deserve this… this, just, like, lying there while his body starts failing against him."

"You've been reading too many papers."

"Enough to know what can happen." Hikaru shot back.

"Hikaru, he's in no pain-"

"Can you really promise me that?" he demanded quietly. "Can you really promise me he's not in pain? Or scared? Can you promise me he has no idea what's happening, that _that_ will never happen again? This…" He had barely allowed himself tears since that first night, he had tried to be strong and _believe_, and not let it get to him. But they were threatening now, and he knew his voice would shake too much if he continued this way, so he lowered it. "This should never have happened in the first place, Kyouya-senpai. It's against the _rules_. Nothing bad should ever happen to Kaoru, not ever, because he's _good_. And even if it does… we're supposed to be the ones to stop it before it happens. Right?"

"Right." Kyouya assented quietly, taking a seat next to Hikaru's. There were two steaming mugs on the table – just like Mori-senpai to identify that what the two of them needed at that point was tea and space. Kyouya forced a mug into Hikaru's hands.

"…where'd they go?" It seemed as though Hikaru had just figured out two of their party had gone missing and was only now taking stock of his surroundings.

"Probably in search of answers, or informing your father that you'll be back late tonight."

"They can _inform_ Tamaki that I won't be back at all tonight. I'm staying here."

Silence. Hikaru stared into the mug in his hands. Kyouya watched him staring.

"...are you done?"

He chuckled hollowly.

"Maybe. I don't know. When… when his eyes opened… I know that can happen as a reflex but for a moment I… I thought that he'd come back." He let out a breath. "…I don't get how you can be so _calm_ about this. I'm not saying I doubt you care about him or anything, but… I thought if I read enough, maybe I'd get smart like you, be calm like you, and not be so afraid all the time."

"This isn't calm." Kyouya corrected quietly. "It's patience. A quality I can't say I ever noticed in you in the first place, but one Kaoru has in spades."

"Apparently I was absent when the patience was handed out."

"I'm sure Kaoru needs it more to deal with you." He shrugged, though was slightly relieved to hear Hikaru sounding more like himself. "Overlooking that idea… you and I are fundamentally different people. My family is in the hospital business."

"Yeah. It must be nice that none of this stuff scares you, huh?" Hikaru had expected Kyouya to confirm the fact with some biting sarcasm of his own, but there was nothing but awkward silence where the comeback should have been. "About what you said earlier… about how you said it's a _good _thing that he's almost impaling himself on the fricking ventilator every time this happens…"

"Listen." Kyouya cut in quietly. "I never said that these seizures were a good thing. There are seizures that don't produce convulsions like we saw earlier. These can be damaging, not least because we can't know when they're happening if he's not being monitored constantly. I know it's shocking to see… but at least as things are, we know these are happening and can intervene." Hikaru bowed his head slightly. "Drink your tea. And we'll find the others."

He gave a half-hearted snort.

"Yes, Mother."

* * *

**A/N:** So, truth is stranger than fiction. A pair of twins I teach at elementary school – _and_ their teachers - came clean just before graduation and admitted they'd both gone by the same name for the past eight months. "_She's_ Hikaru. I'm Kaoru." "…uh. Are those common names for twins?" "Not really…" "…Mum said she took them from some manga."


End file.
